This week, the Make Your Home a Haven challenge started over on the Women Living Well blog. I love this challenge, it comes at a perfect time every year. I always intend to jump in and participate. I always say "this year I will be Home #2" but I always fall short and don't follow through.
I have to follow through. As I read the words on the page describing Home #1 they kept jumping at me and I'd say "yes that is me." I admit it and you know what else I admit? I hate it. I hate feeling the way I do. I hate being discontent and angry all the time. I hate yelling and rushing around. I hate feeling like all we do is look for shoes and sippy cups. My husband and I have not touched each other in almost two weeks. We just don't even communicate.
He sleeps on the couch.
I'm ashamed. I know that he loves me and he knows that I love him but we have just gotten lost in the chaos. We don't go to church, we don't pray, we don't do anything as a family. He's always working and I'm always yelling.
I hate it.
I want to be the woman in Home #2. I want my kids to grow up in a home that isn't dysfunctional and a crazy mess ALL OF THE TIME. I never clean, I hate cleaning. I look around and think "why do we have so much stuff?" My kids don't play with any of their toys, don't read any of their books. Most of them are broken or torn. So why? Why do we hold onto it all? Oh yeah, because mom is too lazy and too tired to get up and clean it all out.
Boy what a winner I am huh?
The worst part is I know this is the WRONG attitude to have. I know this way of thinking and living is wrong. I can see what it's doing to my kids and to my family. But why do I let it continue? Why do I keep on admitting that I'm wrong but doing nothing to change it?
I don't know honestly, but that can't change the fact that something has to change around here. We can't keep on like this. Or my family is going to suffer.
So tomorrow, I will light my candle and I will say my prayers and I will try my hardest to shake off this lazy discontentment and make my house, not just a home...but a haven.
Wish me luck!
Jaymie
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